do you ever?

One of the most defining moments of my friendship with my bestie was a few years ago. We were out – walking and talking and sipping coffee and smelling flowers (we actually were…) – and I said to her:

“Do you ever get clicky head? Like you might have a metal plate in your skull and every so often your brain becomes a bit loose and clicks against the side of aforementioned metal plate?”

And she said to me:

“YES! ALL THE FLIPPING TIME!!!!”

We chatted merrily about our clicky heads, wondering what could cause it, wondering who else experienced clicky head, or if it was a secret click we shared…

Over the years, we have had countless other exchanges of ‘Do you ever…’ – mostly communicated to the other via text or email, or whispered in hushed tones, or preceded by “Don’t judge me, but do you ever….”.

Here is a compilation of ‘Do you ever…’s I put together not long ago. If I’m feeling a bit weird or sad (or on the verge of a hypochondriac moment), I look at this list and nearly always give myself a tummy ache from laughing so much:

– do you ever feel like you might vomit when you’re hole-punching paper?

– yesterday i ate a dry biscuit and got a hella case of CLICKY JAW??? do you ever???

– do you ever… always look at the clock at the same time? i seem to be in this weird trend of looking at the clock EVERY TIME it’s 11.11. doesn’t matter if it’s am or pm, i ALWAYS seem to catch it at that exact moment.

– do you ever… start unbuttoning your pants BEFORE you get to the bathroom when you’re at home? I do. And I just had to stop myself from doing it at work.

– do you ever… when you’re getting your brows waxed and you’re lying on the weird beauty salon bed with your eyes closed, feel like your body is spinning in a big circle? a bit like when you’re drunk? and the more you spin, the more you feel like you’re going to roll off the table, but because you’ve got wax centimetres away from your eyes, you can’t open them to steady yourself? i had that tonight. it was awful. it made me feel carsick.

– do you ever… get clicky pants? like there’s a click of fabric in your jeans that clicks every time you walk, no matter how high you hoik them up, or pull them down, or adjust or readjust them? my black jeans have a click in them that i can’t find…

– do you ever… think you might have chronic fatigue??

– do you ever… get a weird twitch in your back? a bit like an eye twitch, but in your side? i had one earlier, when i was leaning back in my chair…

– do you ever…. get so lost in thought that you poo your pants? this DIDN’T happen, but let me set the scene:

this morning i was on the tram and was thinking about an email axchange i had with a friend last week and was suddenly carried away into thoughts of dinner on victoria street and catching up and dogs with their tongues hanging out and gangs of sheep and SUDDENLY my nostrils were filled with the WORST egg-fart poo stink and i looked around and EVERYONE on the tram was covering their noses and i was suddenly struck with the thought: did i just poo my pants? am I responsible for this stench because i was so lost in thought that i lost control of my basic functions??? 

fortunately, this thought only lasted a split second and i realised that it WASN’T me and i promptly got off the tram and away from the stink.

but do you ever….. on smelling a stink, wonder if MAYBE it might be you?

– do you ever…. feel like you’re maybe a little bit psychic? like when you think ‘i wonder if there are any messages on my phone’ and you look at it and then it rings?

– do you ever feel like you should be wearing a seatbelt when you’re riding your bike??

– do you ever…. get halfway to work on your bike and feel something on your face and instantly think ‘OMG, there’s a huntsman in my helmet and now it’s ON MY FACE!!!’ and almost veer off the road but then realise it was just a piece of hair?

– do you ever…. get vibrating elbow???? i just had my elbow on the desk and thought that i got a message on my phone but realised it just my elbow doing weird things!!!

– do you ever…. wake up in the middle of the night, with your right arm completely numb, limp and unresponsive to an order from your brain to move, that you freak out, have a panic attack that some major/permanent malfunction has happened in your sleep, and that you’ll need to get it amputated?

This happened to me last night. It was utterly terrifying. It took several minutes of rubbing/banging my arm to get it to wake up. I was then too afraid to go back to sleep.

– do you ever… have days when you are ACTUALLY dyslexic? today i am having major issues writing ‘$5K’.

– do you ever… get a weird stabbing headache in your temple?

– do you ever… get hot stomach?

– do you ever…. at the top of a staircase, get struck with the fear that your legs have forgotten how to walk down stairs??? and you suddenly think ‘i’m going to tumble all the way to the bottom!!!’ but then you start walking and it’s fine?

– do you ever…. get a sore ear when you eat spicy food?

– do you ever…. find yourself leaning sideways in your chair? i was just writing something down and realised i was on a 135degree angle.

– do you ever…… get a GIANT weird pimple on your neck????? HOW DO THEY GET THERE??????????????????????? i have one the size of mount kilaminjaro….

– do you ever…. think to yourself “ouch, what’s that weird biting pain on my chest??? there must be a SPIDER biting me on the boob!!!!” and then look in your bra and discover it’s the searing pain of a big crumb from a tim tam?

– do you ever… get shooting pains in your shins???

– but do you ever get vibrating ovaries?????

– do you ever… Notice that a small fly has drowned in your drink but it’s too far down the glass for you to fish it out (and you don’t have a spoon or straw handy) so you just keep drinking? I did today. Yuck. Please don’t judge me.

– do you ever… …. press yourself just under your collar bone and nearly throw up? i think i have a weird muscle causing havoc there.

Me: do you ever…. get a throbbing rib cage?

BFF: Maybe you have a bird in there which snuck in while you were sleeping?

Me: that’s possible…. my ears keep clicking as well. maybe 2 bugs crawled into my ear and they’re high fiving each other.

– do you ever… experience an excessive amount of ear popping on hot days?

Some of these ailments/occurrences are shared, and others – well – we’re on our own…

Do YOU have a weird ‘Do you ever…’? Spill it!

BFFs 4 LIFE! In da snow...

Aarrrggghhhh!!!! Do you ever wear a snow hat??

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